The Breakup Diary

Day 1 – In Shock

There are pros and cons to having an argument electronically. For me, it’s actually easier to express myself and be honest. Easier to choose my words. I don’t do confrontation very well. But, on the downside, it’s also harder to read the other person. The lack of body language makes it difficult to tell that the person you are arguing with is much more upset than you think.

Until he says what you never saw coming. He doesn’t want me anymore. I’m too much work. I play mind games that he can’t handle. He’s done.

And I’m left feeling like I can’t believe what just happened, after what seemed like a standard old run of the mill fight. After I thought I’d tried to explain myself. And then he throws the words at me. Hits that sore spot that only he knows is there. “This is what you do all the time,” he says. “How does it feel?” And I’m left crying in the middle of Starbucks.

I compose myself. Decide that I can handle this. I’ve been through this before, I can do it again. I’m feeling courageous, and I block him on every communication channel I can think of. That will teach him, when he’s over being so mad and tries to reach out and I won’t be there. So there.

I get through my workout and my grocery shopping and most of my chores before the pain starts to hit. It’s only been a few hours and I miss him. Miss talking dirty and talking about the problems of the week, and how our kids were a pain in the ass. I’m feeling lonely. Very much alone.

The first few days are the hardest, I remind myself, and I go to take a shower, promising myself that I will get through this and it will get better.

Day 2 – Welcome to the Rollercoaster

I’d forgotten about the insomnia. Ah, insomnia, my old friend. A night spent tossing and turning, replaying scenarios of how it went, how it might go. All of my demons come out after midnight. He dumped me because of that girl who messaged him on OKCupid. He dumped me because he’s just tired of me, tired of dealing with my brokenness. He’ll be back. He’s never coming back.

Daylight is a welcome relief. I get up, have a leisurely breakfast and read the paper. Putter around the house, checking off chores. Go to the mall, see a movie, look for a top for the office Christmas party. I decide the lights and mirrors at Macy’s are purposely designed to make women look old and fat.

But I’m enjoying my freedom. Next Sunday I’m going to go shoot some pool, just to practice, see if I can figure out my angled shots. The Sunday after that I’m going to try out that trail near work that I used to hike when I was younger. Because I have time now. Sundays to myself.

Right after our last breakup, we only saw each other once every two weeks. And I kind of looked forward to my Sunday to myself. Spend the whole day at Starbucks, or go shopping for girly stuff. Maybe we should start doing that again. Oh yeah, forgot, there is no “we”.

Day 3 – Hiding from the Boogey Man

Song of the day – Marren Morris, Girl

“Girl, won’t you stop your crying
I know that you’re trying
Everythings gonna be okay, baby
Girl”

I was tempted a dozen times today to reach out to him. To argue, to explain. In past fights, I’ve done just that, given in to the temptation, even though I knew at the time it would be futile.

It feels different this time, in a way I can’t completely explain. The issue seems a bit greyer this time. I can see his side of it. I can see that he has a point. I did something stupid, out of anger and hurt feelings.

And he was so angry. So irrationally blindly angry.

Anger scares me. Always has, from way back when. Back when anger was always irrational and unpredictable and always resulted in pain – both emotional and physical.

It probably looks like I’m being strong – maintaining my silence this time, not reaching out to him. But really, I’m just a scared little girl, hiding from the boogey man.

Day 4 – Jamie’s Crying

I’m still all over the map. I wanted to message him this morning. Just to tell him I missed him. But I thought about how he’d respond, and I just couldn’t. I didn’t want his anger. His accusations. “I’ll consider taking you back if you do this horribly degrading thing for me.” No. Just no.

We’d been dating a little over a year when we had a big fight and took a two week break from each other. At the end of that break, he told me that he felt like I was too needy. I wanted too much from him. I should consider going out with other guys. And I was so deeply hurt. So I said, fine, that’s what you want, I’ll show you. And I did. I played with a guy that I met in a chat group. And it was awful. And his reaction was pretty awful too.

Last week, he logged in to my Fetlife account. I didn’t realize he even had my password. So I asked him, do you have any concerns about what you saw there? And he said, no, he didn’t care what I did. He knew that I needed more than he could give me. What he actually meant was, it was okay to chat with other guys. What I read was “he didn’t care”, and “I’m too needy”, and I got my feelings hurt again. As it happened, there was a guy who had just messaged me, and I said, you don’t care, fine, I’ll show you. I invited the guy out for coffee.

In all fairness, it was coffee. And I fail to understand why it’s fine for me to suck strange cock in the parking lot of a bar, but it’s not okay for me to have coffee with that cock once it’s fully clothed.

But no, I didn’t meet the guy for coffee. I actually deleted my Fetlife account.

Song of the day – “Jaime’s Crying”, by Van Halen

“She wants to send him a letter,
yeah yeah,
Just to try to make herself feel better.
It says “give me, give me a call some time”
But she knows what that will get her….
Oh oh oh Jamie’s crying…

Day 5 – No Pain, No Gain

That saying isn’t just for workouts. Every time we have a fight, I have a huge spurt of personal growth. I have come to recognize and tame some of my biggest demons as a result of our break-ups.

And this one is no different. Today I saw the connection between an old and very painful memory and my emotional over-reaction to something he said with no ill intent. Today I realized that I can be very self-centered when I get focused on my own pain, forgetting that we all have bad memories and emotional triggers. Today I took a painful first step in becoming a better person. And hopefully a better submissive, as well.

Day 7 – Moving On

I am no longer in limbo. I got confirmation today that it is most definitely over. And apparently has been for longer than I had realized.

In the moment, it was an actual, physical pain. Like being kicked in the gut must feel like. Can’t breathe, doubled over in pain. But that subsided. It wasn’t long before I realized that knowing the truth is a good thing. There will be no more wondering. No more going back over and over, going through this pain again and again while I get the silent treatment. I feel like my guardian angel was whispering in my ear again – “sorry, child, it’s time to move on. You have other places to go”.

I’m officially out of limbo. And I’m moving on.

Day 8 – Recovering from the Addiction

It probably wasn’t a coincidence that today’s episode of the Ted Talk podcast was about falling in and out of love. (Thank you, guardian angel! I really did need that!). Love, as it turns out, is not like other emotions. It’s a basic biological urge, originating from a different place in the brain than other emotions. Love comes from the primitive part of the brain, near the centers for eating and breathing. Falling in love looks a lot like addiction, in terms of it’s effect on the brain. And the Ted Talk advised that when trying to fall out of love, you treat it like an addiction. Cut off all contact with the person, delete their messages and pictures, remove your access to their social media. Remind yourself of all of their bad points. Go cold turkey, basically.

So over the last few days, I’ve deleted my accounts that connect me to him. I no longer have a MeWe account or a Fetlife account. I told him to change the password to his MeWe account, and to his OKCupid account. Yeah, I hacked his OKCupid account. I’m not proud of it, but it did give me the answers I needed. Turns out I’m yesterday’s news. He’d been just continuing to hang in, even though it had gotten old, and he regrets not ending it a year ago. Oh yeah, and he’s got a coffee date scheduled for tomorrow with the new girl – the one he casually mentioned to me a few weeks ago on our last playdate. Ironic, isn’t it? Him accusing me of playing games to make him jealous.

As a final step, I gave him back all of his toys today. And then blocked his number and his email addresses. There will be no sliding back into my life under the guise of “wanting his stuff back”. I even put my day collar into the front pocket of the toy bag.

I know I’m going to have weak moments. That’s exactly why I burned my bridges this time. No going back. But for today, I’m feeling pretty damned proud of myself. Today I’m feeling strong.

Day 9 – Hey, This Isn’t so Bad!

Spent yesterday evening chatting with three guys on OKCupid. I swear, I was just looking to distract myself. But lookie there, I have a date for coffee with a “sensual Dom” today!

What’s the old expression? The best way to get over a man is to get under a new one?

I’m having a blast….

Day 9 – Evening

I had a rough spell between the hours of 1:30 and 3:30. Felt very sorry for myself, imagining him meeting the new girl for coffee. Remembering our first meet-up, feeling kicked in the gut imagining him doing with her all the things he used to do with me.

And then I had coffee with Eric. Eric is sweet and attentive. He pulls hair and nibbles ears and loves to cuddle. Eric doesn’t have any kids, and he wants me to come over next Friday, and spend the whole day. Playing, cuddling, watching a movie (The Secretary, with James Spader!), playing some more.

Yes, I know, Eric is a total rebound. Eric is a transition guy. I’m okay with that. Eric is going to help me get through detox.

Day 27

It’s been almost a month now. A tough month. Lots of tears. Lots of downs. But the tears are drying up, the downs are getting smaller and less intense. I’d like to say I haven’t thought of him at all, but that would be a damned lie. I’d like to say I wasn’t tempted to message him. Another lie. Not that I would beg him to take me back. Oh hell no. I have too much pride for that. I haven’t forgotten that he didn’t want me anymore. That he had a date with her a week after he dumped me. Explaining to her about how I was just a loose end, a year past my expiration date.

But I am still curious. Did he get her to suck his dick? Does he miss me? Does he regret it? Did he really mean it, or was he just stressed and mad, or maybe he really was tired of the pressure of being a Dom – of owning a woman. It’s a lot harder than it sounds, boys.

But my brain is starting to convince my heart that there might be another guy out there for me. One that is more flexible. Less broken. He may not be as kinky, but as long as he can spank me and be dominant, in his own way, I can live with less kinky.

Funny thing, too, heartbreak is a universal emotion. The phrase “I got dumped” is a guarantee for sympathy and stories of the other person’s heartbreak and bad luck in love. Because of this, I’ve now got girlfriends at work. We’re going to go two-stepping and out for drinks after Christmas.

So here I am. Sadder, wiser. Cute new hair cut and a few new friends, a deep appreciation of the old friends who have supported me. I know they’re tired of hearing about him. Hell, I’m tired of hearing about him.

I’m gonna be alright.