Limits

There’s a phase that many newly out submissives go through – it’s called Sub Frenzy. When you’re discovering everything, when you want to try everything. When you think you know everything. It can be a dangerous period.

I went through it. And I was lucky to emerge relatively unscathed. I found myself with one dom wanna-be who turned out to be a married guy looking for some side action. And one actual dom who was into hard-core needle and blood play. Yeah, that guy lasted exactly one play session and that was it.

My Sir and I have been together for over 3 years now. We’ve gotten to the point where I rarely use my safe word. Our level of connection and trust during play is such that he knows my breaking point before I do. This is one of the many benefits of having a long-term play partner. But it wasn’t always that way between us.

When we first started out, I used my safe word a lot, as we explored and pushed my limits, as we learned to trust each other. But there’s a difference between “soft” limits and hard ones. Soft limits are things I’d never tried before. Things like caning and fisting. Those things made me nervous – too hard-core, I thought at the time. But we worked up to them, getting closer and closer until, hey, that’s his fist up my pussy! And of course I had the option of using my safe word at any time when things got too intense.

Hard limits are areas in which I will not play. Even as a submissive, I have the right to specify things I won’t do. I will not do anything that jeopardizes my ability to make a living, for example. No public humiliation play, no obvious BDSM attire or jewelry at work. And my Sir respects that.

I would strongly encourage anyone else who is just starting out to spend some time fleshing out what your limits are – both hard and soft limits. There are some good checklists online that can help you do that. Any Dom worth his salt will ask you up front what your limits are, what your safe word is, and will respect them. But there are Dom wannabes out there who will tell you that it’s your job to do whatever he tells you to, limits be damned. Run, don’t walk, from a Dom like that.

Good play, intense, “wow, I didn’t know it could even be this good” kind of play, comes from trust. I trust him to respect my limits, and he trusts me to tell him when I’ve reached my limits. It’s a two way street. Hold out for that kind of Dom.