The Breakup

This must be what it’s like to come off heroin.

I wake up in the morning craving Him.  I check my phone as I first wake up.  And it’s only when I see that there’s no message that it hits me.  There will be no message.  And there’s an ache in my chest.  Nausea in the pit of my stomach.  An impulse to send Him a message.  My raw nerves begging me for their fix.

I push the phone away with the last bit of self control that I have.  Get up, take a shower, face the day.  Check my phone periodically.  Pretend I’m looking for missed calls from my kid’s school.  She seemed a bit sniffly today.  Yeah, that’s it.  Not even fooling myself.

Evenings are the worst, so I try to fill my time with other things.  I’m up to level 475 on Farm Heroes.  Yay me.  All caught up on Blacklist.

I go to bed, tossing and turning, exhausted but still can’t sleep.  Thoughts playing through my mind of how it was, how it might be.  Maybe He’ll come back.  Maybe He’ll work it out.  Maybe I’ll feel the same way.  But it’s a ghost I’m missing. 

Everything changes, nothing stays the same.  I know there’s something new ahead.  Something better.  Maybe it will even involve Him.  I tell myself that in my more hopeful moments.  I remind myself that this agony won’t last forever.  A month from now, and I’ll be a new woman.  This pain will have slowed into a dull twinge.  This is the price I pay for loving deeply and fully.  And I would rather pay the price and hurt like hell than hold myself back and not love at all.