There is no half-way in Dom/sub

I pride myself on being a Good Girl.  My Sir tells me I’m a well trained whore.   

And I do try to be.  Most of the time, submission comes easily to me.  There are very few things that we do during our play that I dislike.  I crave my beatings.  Titty torture takes me to new places in sub space.  Zippers, okay, I wouldn’t call them “fun”, but they’re intense and interesting.  Even my punishment spankings – I don’t like them.  They make me cry.   But they remind me that Sir is the one in charge, and I need that.   And, hey, sometimes a girl needs a good cry.

But there are a few things I struggle with.

Like the video store.    

He takes me to the adult video store to suck strange cock for him.  It’s a special kink that we discovered together.  The one kink that he’s done only with me.  It’s hot and it’s humiliating and it’s very submissive.  Normally things I like.  

But it’s also a physically draining activity for me. I always end up exhausted the next day, with a sore throat and paranoid thoughts of an STD that eventually turns into oral cancer..  

We start talking about going to the video store and I’m okay with it.  Excited, even.  Then as the date approaches, my enthusiasm wanes.  Painting my nails and doing my hair suddenly become a burden.  I get resentful, starting thinking mutinous thoughts about all the work I’ll be doing, all the risk I’ll be taking.  Suddenly, his good submissive whore is a sullen whore.   And no one likes a sullen whore.

I don’t really know why I do this.  Fear?  Anxiety?  It is on the far side of my submission.  It tests my loyalty to him and more often than not, I fail that test. 

And yes, I know, I’m allowed to have reservations.  Sucking strange cock in a sleazy video store is something a lot of women may fantasize about, but not many can bring themselves to actually do.   There are risks involved – STDs, cops, someone who recognizes me.  

But here’s the thing – I can’t do this Dom/sub thing half way – it’s not fair to my Sir for me to be in, then out.   Either this is a hard limit for me, something I’ve decided I just cannot do, or it’s something that I submit to without reservation.  Joyfully, enthusiastically.  As if this is my only life and I’m going to have fun with it while I still can.

 I waited a very very long time to have this kind of hot kinky fun.  20 years of boring vanilla sex with a man who didn’t know what to do with a pair of D cups.  20 years of denying who I really am.  

From now on, I’m all in.

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